Transcription:Not So Smurfy
(In Smurf Village) Farmer Smurf: (Smurflings and Sassette admire a little caterpillar) Sassette, Smurflings, you--(Notices the caterpillar) Oh, oh no! THAT'S A FUCKING GYPSY MOTH! You've killed us all. (3 days later...) Papa Smurf: (Gypsy moth caterpillars have covered every tree and bush, stripping them of their fruits and leaves) We've lost every smurfberry within a 50 mile radius, Farmer Smurf! How could this happen? Farmer Smurf: We're a medieval farming community with no access to modern pesticides who made the BRILLIANT choice to subsist on a single crop. Yeah, we're all gonna starve. Dopey Smurf: We'll die of hunger long before that happens. Gargamel: (Appears with Azrael) Oh, Dopey Smurf, I shall miss your banter most of all. All Smurfs: GARGAMEL!!!! Papa Smurf: It smurfed you 30 years, but you finally found us!!! Gargamel: Yes, on Google Earth, your village now stands out like a wart on a shaved ball bag. But good news, I have a whole greenhouse full of smurfberry plants. Papa Smurf: (All Smurfs mumble) And why is that? Gargamel: Well, I'll level with you, I was planning to create a strain of poison smurfberries, but that meant going back to get my masters in botany, and then I got sidetracked with a semester of drama club to try and impress this girl named Nadia, which, of course you know, that went...(Whistles imitating a nuclear explosion to prove his point, and Azrael reminds him to continue) Yeah, alright, but I will give those life-giving smurfberries to the winner of my SMURF HUNGER GAMES! Papa Smurf: No Smurf would EVER hurt another Smurf for food! (Stomach growls) (Later...) Papa Smurf: Everybody, we're doing this. So, uh, I'm gonna smurf twelve names from a hat. Ironic Smurf: Gosh, I wonder where we're ever gonna find a hat! Papa Smurf: (angrily) Alright, Ironic Smurf just volunteered. He and eleven more will then smurf to the death. And Gargamel will film the entire competition for some unknown reason. Smurf #1: Yeah, probably so he can jack off to it later. Gargamel: Well, I might. (Competition) Gargamel: (12 Smurfs surround a stocking filled with small weapons) Let the games begin! (Fires starting gun. Smurfs begin fighting, and Sassette continuously dodges thrown spears) Smurf #2: (Picking up an explosive present) Ooh, this looks promising. (Present explodes, killing the smurf) Jokey Smurf: HA-HA-HA! Dying's easy, comedy's hard! (Gets impailed by a thrown spear) AHH! Dying's harder than I...thought! (Dies) Scaredy Smurf: (Holding a crossbow) Smurf it together, Scaredy! If there ever was a time to grow a third dimension as a character, this is it. Don't go out like a punk! (Accidentally shoots himself in the crotch) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I SHOT MYSELF IN THE DICK! AAHHH! THAT IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF GOING OUT LIKE A PUNK! AOOOW! (Sassette grabs a knife from a dead smurf) Smurf #3: (Seeing Vanity looking in the mirror) What the smurf is Vanity always admiring in that mirror? Our faces are fucking identical. (Vanity shoots Smurf #3 with a crossbow and he dies) Vanity Smurf: Beautiful! (Sassette appears and uses the knife to cut Vanity's head off, and she runs off. Another Smurf grabs an explosive present until Sassette uses the knife to impale his neck, killing him) Sassette Smurf: (Uses knife to cut the bottom off of the explosive present, causing the gunpowder to pour out, and Sassette pours the gunpowder on a steak) Whoever tries to cook these steaks is gonna get their face blown off. I mean, I guess, we are a 1980's cartoon with wildly inconsistent writing. (Leaves, and Azrael appears, smells the gunpowdered steak, takes it, and leaves) (Later That Night...) Papa Smurf: (Blue screen shows that Scaredy and Clumsy are dead) Holy smurfing ass crackers! How is Gargamel paying for all this stuff? (Blue screen then shows the logos for Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and Kool-Aid Jammers) (Cut scene to Gargamel's Cottage) Gargamel: (Watching the competition on many televisions) Well, definitely gonna jack off to that. (Chuckles, then Azrael comes in aching and sick after eating the gunpowdered steak) G-Give me some privacy! Do you know how long it's been since I've had ANY sexual gratification? I'm 70 years old, bald, fat, and I only own one outfit! This robe used to be a floral print, for God's sake! Get--(Kicks Azrael, instantly causing him, Azrael, and his cottage to explode) (Cut scene to Gargamel's Greenhouse) Sassette Smurf: (The Smurfs collect and eat some smurfberries from the plants) Papa, we need to modernize! We should turn some of these smurfberries into preserves to avoid a future shortage. Papa Smurf: Oh, how cute. Why don't you smurf along and roll a hoop with a stick, or whatever. Sassette Smurf: Actually, bitch, I think it's time for a NEW Papa Smurf. (Takes out a bow and arrow) Papa Smurf: Smurf-what now? (Sassette shoots him in the head, and he dies. Sassette then puts on his hat) Sassette Smurf: Who's your Papa? (Laughs evilly as she slices the beard off Papa Smurf's body as the other Smurfs groan in disgust. Then Sassette puts the beard on) WHO'S YOUR PAPA?!?! (Smurfs bow down in fear) Grouchy Smurf:I HATE kneeling! (Sassette puts her knife on his neck growling, causing Grouchy to piss his pants) I hate pissing my pants! The end? Category:Transcriptions